**i just started to write this story it is sad but cool too, so please comment, this is just the preface**




You like all people most likely think that no one controls music at least not all of it. Wrong, one girl does control music all of it. She lives in Euro Beach Florida; she’s a shy girl with blonde hair and violet eyes. She’s quite in class and at home, With 5 older sisters and 3 older brothers she feels alone. For only 14 she is in a deep state of depression. Music was always her escape she didn’t have to have anyone else to listen to music. All of it started with one of her brothers Matthew getting rid of his green iPod Clarisse went out after he threw it away and took it. Ever since then she’s been the controller of all of it.

It's interesting but I had to read it like 5 times to even vaguely understand (punctuation).

Some things simply don't belong in an introductory paragraph or are used incorrectly, like physical descriptions.

Other things don't make sense. I would think that having 8 siblings wouldn't exactly make you feel alone, so the fact that they're too older to share similar interests or something needs to be stressed. Someone just 'getting rid' of a working iPod needs explaining too.

Otherwise, seems cool.

Look it's my story and if i want to put things like that in then i can, from now on i think i'll stick to just putting my poems up here not my storys. Thats the way the prefae is supposed to be in this story. Well it just the begging gosh you don't have to be so harsh for a paraghraph. Thanks (sorta) for the comment

quote by Zephyrixon

It's interesting but I had to read it like 5 times to even vaguely understand (punctuation). Some things simply don't belong in an introductory paragraph or are used incorrectly, like physical descriptions. Other things don't make sense. I would think that having 8 siblings wouldn't exactly make you feel alone, so the fact that they're too older to share similar interests or something needs to be stressed. Someone just 'getting rid' of a working iPod needs explaining too. Otherwise, seems cool.

I totally agree with you Zephyr. Not meaning to be harsh at all Fire_ice but it was more work to read that part of your story then it was fun. I love writing poems and have wrote a couple of short stories just for the heck of it (a long time ago) and even if you kept all the info that you gave in your preface (which in most cases is not given in an intro paragraph, like Zephyr said) you could have worded it different and gave it some "oomph". The most memorable part of your story so far is the green iPod and the fact that a random person named Matthew threw it away despite its fine working condition. Now with all of that being said you are a good writer and with practice and more knowledge on the art of writing I believe you will be really good someday. Just keep writing, posting, and take in all the comments. Learn and grow.


PLC

But Mathew is NOT a random person he's Clariss's brother. I'm going to keep posting my poems not my stories, though.